#08 Cup

#05 – Cup

“I know it’s been a crazy week for me, but I did not expect this to happen” I said so softly in low voice.

“Then you planned to get killed yourself?” She was shouting at me.

“I.. actually…“ I was struggling to put some words and justify something. Then came the other voice, “Oh please, Rithi , just shut up your mouth. I wish I had power to toss your brain back to senses”. When he opened the mouth I just hung my head down in guilty, because he doesn’t scold me at any situation and if he does I will not tell any word against him. He is usually the calm sea but when he rages, it is tsunami, so I just shut my mouth when he is in tsunami mode. You might wonder why they are scolding me. I should explain you a situation that happened that day morning.

I have to return home from gym. I was standing at the gate and talking to few people in the gym. I felt something was pushing me from behind. I got a feel like I should throw up now. I thought something is troubling the body, so I thought I should rush to home soon. I moved down to my vehicle, I turned on the key and I sat on it. The distance is not that long from home but I felt like I got to ride like some 100kms. I pressed the start button and gave a little acceleration. I thought I can manage, but as I move further my pain started to increase, something was squeezing the chest and I really felt like throwing up, my head was so heavy like a rock, and my right arm paining like someone passed a electric current on me. I stopped the vehicle on the pavement.  I wanted to desperately take my mobile and call for help. My brain is telling me to reach for the mobile but I could not move an inch of my hand. I just held my head in left hand, the pain in chest started to increase as time go, right hand was totally out of control and jaws are aching like someone has beaten me up. My brain was the only thing working but I can’t listen to my brain. I lifted my head, looked around to see if I can call someone for help. To my bad luck, it happened at morning 7 and the road is empty totally. I can’t do anything. I took my left hand from head and tried forcibly to reach the mobile and that is the last thing I remember. 

I opened my eyes, saw my two homies standing inside that room. One was telling something to my mother and the other was eating something. Obviously, I got collapsed out. The moment they saw me eyes opened, they started to scold me. My mother went to call the doctor.“I am sorry” I said in a very guilty tone. I could not watch them sad. They came near to me, sat next to me and took my hand, “Rithi, why dear? What happened to you? Be with us, you are the reason why we all are happy. It is okay even if you shout at us, take your frustration on us. Stay with us. You are precious. It is alright if you just be there!! Enough!!” I found their voice trembling. I know they are talking about some unspoken silence that I have been doing for past few months. I did not like them talking so sad. So I winked at the guy “Don’t worry darling, I will marry you. You don’t have to hold my hand like this and beg” They both smiled and he hit gently on my head. She said “Even if the world is at brink, your tail alone never goes away”. It was warm to watch them both laughing.

When I laid down on the bed that night thinking the word “Just be there !! Enough!! “ 

He is right. That moment when I was trying to call for help and that collapsing stage, you know what I was thinking. I did not think of the things that I should do, about my future, love, ambition, past, not friends, family. Not even single person flashed infront of the eyes, except for me. I have felt thousands of times that I should die now. But at that moment, “God please, just this one time save me” That was the only thing running in my mind. So it is not anyone but only you, who is more important than anything or anyone in the world. I wanted to be there for me, only for me. Guys let us please stop living for others. I know it is impossible, but I am telling you, it is really you that matters more than anything.

 At the brink moment, like you find it is going to be your last moment, you remember only you truly. It is not like in films, that you die thinking of someone. If it is only about us, then why should we let others take control of our happiness? Isn't it funny that, all the life our smiles, tears depend on people around us but when you find yourself dying, you can remember only you. If you want a chance to start again, you are asking for yourself, then why spend the earned second chance on someone else. When it is end remember it is only you will be there alone. My friends screamed at me because they were afraid of losing their friend. I also will do the same, but I am not sure if I could show that same love, selfless love. They said “Be there for you “. I smiled remembering the smile I put on their face. It is warm to know that somebody is afraid of losing me not because they want me in their life but they want to watch me living my life.

What is the use of breathing all the life, if you don’t even breathe for you single second?

Think with me, along with the cup of coffee and have a sip in it.